Balance has been my watchword for a couple of years now, and it's been one of the major lessons of the last year & a half. How to Balance my sense of self, instead of putting my entire identity & all my self-worth-eggs in one basket. How to Balance discipline with gentleness in navigating non-linear health.
I’ve by no means mastered these skills, but I’m relieved and grateful to say that as I’ve gotten better at Balancing (because I’ve gotten better at it??) the loop the loops seem to have re-centered on a healthier, safer, more graceful baseline. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been ethereal, internal self-work, and it certainly hasn’t all been pretty. I have also banged my head against myriad walls pursuing care, seeking treatment, and tweaking regimens.
I have had some truly ugly, hopeless days. And it’s no good-vibes-only zone for me — I believe sometimes we really have to dig deep, and show up, and make space for those days, and those parts of ourselves. For so long, a good day, or a win, brought anxiety more than relief, like the other shoe was always about to drop. I had to qualify every small improvement, hedge every accomplishment, or I'd be tempting fate somehow.
But, like I said, I keep coming back to Balance, on all fronts. So I’ve decided, instead of being scared to acknowledge an improvement or a win, instead of always waiting for that second shoe, I’m going to try to Balance out the bad days by celebrating, and accentuating, and embodying the good days, and to Balance out my fear -- not just with faith that what comes next will be good, but with a sturdy, steady willingness to meet what comes next with my whole self even if tomorrow doesn’t turn out to be one of the good days